I am worth it ... time to bring me .. out from under the fat!

Welcome 2010! a new decade not just a New Year -- it is time to clean out the system and get ready for the best year of my life! Positive thoughts for me, I am going for it - this year instead of looking for happiness I will create the happiness I want and need in my life. This year I will achieve my weight loss goal by eating healthy and excercising. I will find a creative outlet that will be a way to cope with the stuff I need to deal with but also with my need to make things.

As you all know i have joined weight watchers on line and the first step is to set your winning outcomes or your goals -  much like the objectives of any behaviour program I have written. They are achievable goals that are either short or long term and include accountablity. The program also indicates you should share your goals with others - thus seeking support but this also creates accountablity as well ( See the blogger I read - **Bitchcakes** for a fearless beautiful woman from Brooklyn  who faces her weight loss journey with determination, courage and humour - her sense of style is incredible and one that she has mastered, and she writes so well that you are on her journey  with her as she rides her pink hello kitty bike on the streets of New York)

So for my Long term goal - I WILL lose 50 pounds by following the weight watchers plan and I WILL introduce true excercise into my life. I will lead by example for my child what a healthy lifestyle is.

I WILL bring back the creative outlets I have enjoyed and that give me a sense of who i am  - photography and picture journaling will be my first easing back into the world of creative expression.

I WILL learn about anthropology anyway I can and be excited by what I have wanted to learn.

I WILL let go at last of all the things I hate about myself

-- my first attempt at getting rid of the crap that bogs me down in my head is below, because to get rid of it you have to see it first, raw and open to judgement---

Here we go...time to be honest with myself and to let one or two of you know your thoughts might not be alone in your head -- I think and feel them too. 

I am fat - because I eat too much food and don't exercise any significant amount.
I am fat - because I choose to be fat
I hate the way I look in the mirror
I hate the way it is uncomfortable to be in my own skin sometimes
I hate the way I allowed myself to become this way
I hate the way that being fat makes me feel like a failure all the time
I try to control everything and everyone else because I cannot control my weight
I DETEST that I am letting two beautiful little girls see me eat and overindulge

Now for what I do LOVE because the list above is not the whole me...

I love the way I see the world - my eyes give me the insight into others , I love how I observe
I love the way my hair has gone crazy curly and I don't fuss about wanting it any other way
I love my strong back, legs and arms
I love that I can walk for 7 hours and not be winded even carrying  all the extra weight
I love that I am a person that can help others
I love that I can see both sides of who I am - I love that I do not hide the truth from myself
I am proud of quitting smoking it was hard , it isolates you away from others who do - but I did it
I love that I am self reflective enough to work on my "issues" and ask for help when I need too

I know some of you will think these are private thoughts, your right - for you these may be. But I am sick of not "fitting" into the life I want -- so today I am opening up my mind and my journey to you.. not a daily update, but I will let you know how it is going. Share a thought or a recipe now and again.

 I will still ramble on about the city I love,my friends and life.I am looking forward to sharing some of my new adventures with you..

Wish me luck .. cause I am going to need it

Oh just so you know, my weakness are chips, dips and anything fatty, salty and crunchy- so PLEASE don't offer me any - I know my limits and while I can take one or two from you --- it will lead to a crazy chip binge!!!! --- a few little treats exist in my kitchen from the holidays - enough that my extra weekly points will cover them --- but here goes my new healthy lifesytle begins --- Right now

Right now
I am facing my fear head on
Right now
I am letting myself become
the person I want to be
Right now
I am scared as hell of failure
Right now
I am ready to do it for me

Live Love Laugh ... Creating my life